Love Life counselor James moore answers your questions about love matters, romance, seduction, lovemaking and long-term relationship issues
Click here to send your (brief) question to James.
Personal advice sessions are available with James for a nominal fee.
Q: My girlfriend teases me so much before we make love that I come too quickly once I enter her. She masturbates me for a long time and then goes down on me awhile before she grabs me and puts me inside of her. She then wiggles a lot and pulls my ass back and forth and I shoot off before too long. She smiles afterward as if she's made me less of a man. It makes me mad and I think she's doing it for some sort of power trip or out of meanness. What should I do? - Bob T., Tulsa, OK
A: Bob, first of all, I don't think your girlfriend is doing this to make you less of a man or out of meanness. Some women do get a kick out of making a man come quickly but it's more often due to their need to prove to themselves that they're so sexy and good in bed that no man can handle them. Her smile is probably one of pride in her sexual skills. Without more info, I can't say, but you need to understand that a woman has the right (and often a strong desire) to touch you before sex. Some will do this for a longer time, some shorter. But a man must be of the mindset that he can allow his woman this thrill without succombing to it and coming too soon. For a complete guide to attaining the kind of control you need, you might want to read my chapter on "The Ultimate Control" in On Loving Women. But more than anything else, be loving and kind to your girlfriend. If you don't get this mistaken notion that she's being mean out of your head, you're going to ruin your relationship.
Q: I am going through a divorce and I it makes me sick because I think my wife is divorcing me because I wasn't good enough in bed. I'm not sure I ever gave her an orgasm and it's partly because I kind of have a premature ejaculation problem. What can I do to become a better lover so I can get her back? - Jonathan C., Phoenix, AZ
A: Jonathan, I feel your pain and you're correct in suspecting that your lack of lovemaking skills might have led to a divorce. As I point out in On Loving Women, many women I interviewed told me they'd gotten a divorce over this very issue. Your email indicates you have a number of issues to deal with; not just one. Learning to make a woman come is a must for any lover - whether you do this manually, through oral sex or penetration (or even auto-suggestion, which is a skill advanced lovers can pull off). But I think you need to get over your premature ejaculation problem first. As I mention in On Loving Women, those suffering from this condition fall into two categories: those that have a condition that can be cured non-medically and those who might need medical help. Without more info, I can't say what category you fall into. But I've found that most men who've sought my advice were able to move beyond this problem with the exercises and methods I came up with as an adolescent, to help myself get over the adolescent form of this (we all come too quickly as teens partly because we've trained ourselves to, through rapid masturbation and over-reacting to sexual stimuli). Please read my chapter on control in On Loving Women, which has sections specifically devoted to remedies for premature ejaculation. And let me know how they help.
Q: My girlfriend's vagina smells bad and I don't like giving her head. So I've been avoiding it. But we just had a bad argument about this. She's mad that I'm not going down on her anymore. What should I do? - Brad T., Denver, CO
A: Brad, I've been there done that. So I can tell you it's unpleasant and probably even unadvisable to go down on your girlfriend while this smell continues. Because it probably indicates she has some sort of infection down there - caused by either bacteria or yeast. In fact, you should probably use a condom (if you're not already) during intercourse until she sees her doctor and gets treatment for this problem because you might very well get her infection (and a yeast infection is no joke - I got one of those from a girlfriend in college and it's unsightly, embarassing and it puts you out of commission, sexually). So be kind and diplomatic but let her know that she needs to see her doctor. Offer to go with her, for support, too.
Q: I think I'm good in bed but my fiance Mary always ends up touching herself during sex to get herself off. I feel let down when she does it. What do you make of this? And should I talk to her about it? How do I do that without starting an argument or causing a problem? - Stephen S., West Hartford, CT
A: Stephen, this might or might not indicate there's a problem - with you or her. A woman masturbating during intercourse can be very sexy. But if you feel you want to be the one to do that most times, you either need to talk to her about it or you need to try some ruse - like gentle bondage - so she cannot touch herself and see how she responds to your attempts to get her off. I'm assuming you're talking about her touching her clitoris to bring on an orgasm. You do know, don't you, that women have a number of other places that I call orgasm triggers with which you can make your fiance come (you might read the chapter on Female Sexual Anatomy in On Loving Women to learn about these sexy places). If Mary doesn't respond well to your ministrations, find out if it's because she feels you're not doing things well or if she is just addicted to masturbating (some women are). You could have worse problems if it's an addiction on her part. If you love her, you'll have to let her have her fun. But if she says she's doing it because you're not good enough in bed, then you have a problem that could be a deal-breaker with her. In that case, please read On Loving Women, especially the chapters on "The Art of Loving Touching", "Kissing For Effect: The Art of Kissing," "Female Sexual Anatomy," "Cocksmanship" and "Oral Sex That Will Drive Her Wild."
Q: I'm going through a rough time in my marriage. My wife Cathy is talking about a separation. My work takes me away from home much of the time during the week and that annoys her and she's also pissed off that I spend some of my weekends playing poker with the guys. I try to make up for the time away by trying to make love to her as much as possible when I'm at home but lately she's been refusing my advances. What can I do to save my marriage? - Dave G., Chicago, IL
A: Oh boy, Dave. Your lifestyle is clearly the problem here and when it comes to jobs, I'm not sure you have a choice. Some people have professions that force them to travel a lot and that truly can become a major problem. It's one that leads to a lot of divorces. And you're compounding the problem by playing poker sometimes even when you have free time, which I think is a big mistake. Her refusing to have sex with you indicates she's well on the way to seeking a divorce so if you want to save your marriage you need to find out if a change in your ways would change the way she now feels about you. She's turned cold to you because of what she perceives as neglect on your part. Ask her if a change in career, to a 9-5 job that would allow you to be home during the week on a normal schedule. You might have to go that route if you want to keep her. But if she hems and haws at any such offer, it might be too late (once a woman's heart is hardened or she's made up her mind to leave or she sees you in a negative light, it's often hard to change her mind). Give it a try, though. I don't know many people who like having their spouses away for long periods of time and it can lead to temptation.
Q: How come women don't give you head after you start dating them? My current girlfriend wants me to give her oral sex a lot (she takes my head and pushes it between her legs), but she never gives me head, just like most of the women I've dated. What's up with that? Richard D., Cherry Hill, NJ
A: Richard, I can't say, but have you considered the possibility that you don't smell good "down there" or perhaps you don't taste good? If you've had this problem with many women, I have to wonder. Find a time when you can ask your lover if that's the case. Let her know you'd like her to go down on you more and you wonder if she's not because there's some sort of problem. I wouldn't be surprised if you have some sort of hygiene issue - or worse, a medical problem that requires treatment. If that's not the case, though, you need to diplomatically let your girlfriend know that you'd gladly continue to give her head as often as she likes, but turnabout is fair play.
If your problem requires James' one-on-one advice, please choose an option below. After paying for your session, send your (unblocked) phone number or Skype info to James via email so he can arrange your session, via phone or Skype.
For a 60-Minute Session (for just $100):